154 a few of my poems

I wrote most of these around 2013/2014

I was good enough to ruin,not good enough to raise.

You played my emotions like a fiddle
you should’ve stayed away when i was little
what you did was not ok
i still struggle till this day
blaming me was low, especially back then
you crossed a line that shouldnt have been
i know what happened and you do too
you are the nightmare i have to live through
you made me live a life of fright
often wondering how you sleep at night
I’ve gone from a shattered mind too hard to find
to a tortured soul with just one goal
you ruined the majority of my life
i’m too guarded to become a wife
you tried to bury me in the ground
my brothers were lucky you werent around
i have to admit you did us a favor
by abandoning us you made us safer
six of your own, yet raising anothers
you were never good enough for any of our mothers
I hope and pray she never feels my pain
since she already seems insane
I’m over the bullshit and through with it all
I refuse to let you make me fall
I will not cower any longer 
over these years I’ve grown stronger
so here I am alive and true
I’m still standing in spite of you.

---

I’ve never seen a bond so strong
Love the way we get along
Of all the times we’ve had a fight
Very rarely did it last over night
Even your problems you never let show
You are the strongest woman I know
Over the years we’ve grown so close
Undeniable to anyone, everyone knows
Mom is a word I’ll always treasure
Of course its importance is impossible to measure
Showing our weakness is not our style
Though our talks make it worth while
Everyday I think of you
Something tells me you do it too
Though often overprotective of me
It’s reason didn’t take long to see
Now I cant see you everyday
That’s my biggest regret in every way
Happy times outweighed the bad
Even most tears weren’t cuz i was sad
Unconditional love was something you taught me
Never to judge what you cant see
I’ll never understand how you didnt fail
Visions from “god” couldn’t show you prevail
Every day my love grows stronger
Remember distance makes the heart grow fonder
Sometimes missing you makes me sore
Everyday i miss you more

---

An acrostic poem

Many shades of black & grey
Years of torment thrown my way

A thousand deaths I’ve died
Powerless over my life
Hating most along the way
Often lonely and afraid
Turning as dark as dark can get
Impossible to avoid my regret
Consumed by hate, crucified by memories

Scars to keep hidden inside and out
Oppressed by my feelings
Understood by my fears
Longing for acceptance by my peers

---

A stolen privledge
a forced disease
PTSD & Me.

A forbidden touch
a broken mind
PTSD & Me.

You took what’s mine
and gave me trauma,
now my mind causes
all sorts of drama.

I once was normal
I once was free
PTSD & Me.

I once had friends
I once had family
PTSD & me.

You caused it and cant
take it back,
you broke me with the
self control that you lack.

---

To my grandma RIP

I’ve tried to be the pillar, I’ve tried to be the wall,
the pillar is starting to crumble, the walls are beginning to fall.
Failure is not an option and winning is just a curse,
I’m fighting an uphill battle always traveling in reverse.
I can see where this is headed, and its not into the light
into the darkness we fade, in this inglorious massive fight.
The darkness swallows us whole as the light continuously fades,
deeper and deeper we’re buried, by our own individual spades.
I shall part on the knowledge that I’ve tried my best,
where it goes from here is up to the rest.
I believe however, there’s no happy ending in a story such as this,
for never again shall we ever know the meaning of true bliss.

---

Another for my grandma RIP

Into the darkness we watched you fade

Memories of you will always remain
Into the light we guided you through
So much of us went with you
Small things remind us you’re near

Your memory forever will be held dear
Often times I think of your silence
Until I remember your love & guidance

Guiding us to always do right
Remembering your struggle & your fight
Always putting others first
Never doubting our self worth
Doing as much as you could do
More so then we probably knew
Always the back bone forever our queen.

Naturally talented & a sewing machine
Out shining the rest cuz she’s the best
Royally beautiful and full of zest
Made her own choices with out regret
Always remember and never forget.

---

Dark as night or light as day,
It really could go either way.
You never know what the day will bring,
Lots of laughter or tears that sting?
My disorders are a part of me,
Multiple sides you’ll often see.
Moods go up, moods go down,
Thoughts are always flying around.
I don’t fit in, I don’t stand out,
Always wondering what life’s about.
Darkness Comes, Darkness goes,
The light is fighting, but rarely shows.
A constant battle I fight to win,
Wondering where my happiness has been