Wow this is my 350th post! Its been almost a month since my last entry. Im losing interest in things again…I feel a breakdown on the horizon or at the very least a bad depression creeping in. So many contributing factors.
My anxiety is getting the best of me lately. Anytime I leave the house almost, it starts and I don’t settle back down until I’m home. The dr thinks its the beginning stage of agoraphobia. I refuse to let that happen so he started me on a low dose of seroquel and told me to expose myself to leaving the house at least twice a day. Its hard to do when I dont drive, the car already gives me anxiety, and I cant walk as that gives me anxiety. Oliver works and getting in the car with others makes me wanna cry. I feel like I’m living in Final Destination and constantly seeing all the bad that could happen.
Things aren’t exactly on the up and up with Oliver either. Hes been drinking a lot more. We even had a conversation a few weeks ago where he agreed only 4 beers when we are out, and he hasn’t kept by that more than once. The other day it was 7 beers and a shot before I could get him to stop. Well actually it was 6 beers and a shot then I asked him to stop and he still went and had another one ignoring everything I said.
I’m being ignored a lot lately and it’s causing me to lose my shit. For example, just on Friday, i don’t remember the first time on Friday but the second, Ollie had to bowl league and he likes bullshitting with the guys in the proshop, well Oliver was in there with the guys and Ollie kept going in there. I told him to stop and stay by his lanes because his teammate had somewhere to be right after and was already running late. Ollie looked me dead in the face and went to the proshop anyway, that was strike 2, now after bowling we had to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Ollie told Oliver he was hungry so Oliver asks me to open the sushi Ollie picked out (How hard it is to open fucking sushi) I said no. He doesn’t need to walk around the grocery store eating sushi. (Especially with dirty ass hands that have been all over the bowling equipment for the last 2 hours.) What happens? We walk ten steps and Oliver opens it anyway and tries to hide that he’s giving him some. That was strike 3. I almost broke down in the middle of the store it took everything in me not to collapse on the floor into a sobbing mess. This may seem excessive or extreme, but trust me when I say it’s been built up over time and its finally starting to boil over.
As I said before I’m losing interest in everything and thats a big red flag for me. It means something is gonna happen whether its depression or a breakdown idk but I gotta ask my therapist how to prepare for it to lessen the blow. I dont know if I’ll survive a breakdown like last time. I filled my mom in a bit last night but she has enough on her plate right now I dont need to pile my mental health onto her. There’s no one else for me to confide in honestly. Its rough not having people in your life. Its very isolating.
Ok well I’m gonna end this here.
Until next time.