Ok so Saturday he pulled an all-nighter drinking, Sunday he was home, Monday he worked,, Tuesday he went golfing….he drank…we took the kids to get their 2nd covid shot and talked while we waited and I told him I dont want him to drink that night at bowling….we get to bowling and he asks if he can have a drink with Carl for his birthday….I said no…..flash forward 20 minutes and he’s drinking. I just don’t get what goes through his fucking mind!! Yesterday he said we need to have a long talk about everything but I said no cuz I’m not ready to discuss anything with him.

I tried to be as open and honest as I could but it still wasn’t stern enough.

He didnt even try to talk yesterday he went in the room when he got done with dinner and I didn’t see him the rest of the night. Like I’m the fucking problem. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to be around him but that should be my choice not his. I should be locking myself in the bedroom not him.

Anyway. My depression seems to be reactive this time as opposed to typical brain chemistry.

Yesterday I had a one on one with my therapist and she kinda ripped away all the hope I had. We were discussing how I didnt get the addiction and I feel its a choice and she compared it to my depression. She said just like i cant choose to change my mood he can’t choose not to drink. It was never put that way to me and it made me realize it may never change. Which I cant handle.

Next month marks our 16th anniversary and if he cant stop drinking i dont know if we’ll make it to that. And if he pulls his old tricks where he stops for a while then slowly starts again I know we won’t make it to 17. Ollie will take it the hardest, he was having a panic attack thinking we were gonna break up the other day in walgreens when we were waiting for them to get their shots. Hes such a sensitive soul.

Ok so I gotta eat, make Ollie food and get ready for dbt therapy.

Until next time

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