trigger warning; suicide/suicidal thoughts/self harm/violence/graphic
it has been a while since my mind went to this dark place. the meds have been working tremendously! today however, my mood got the better of me. first let me say i’m ok, i’m safe and doing better at the moment.
have you ever been so overloaded with an emotion that you feel your only way out is through suicide? that was me today. while in the pool with the kids , they started fighting. yelling and splashing eachother before finally taking it to a physical level all while I am demanding that they stop. usually they are great listeners but for some reason when we get in the pool its like they lose all sense. i’m telling them to stop and they just kept going. at this point I hadn’t made it into the pool yet so its not like I could physically separate them. as i’m yelling at them it flooded me. such searing hot anger. i’m beyond livid at this point that they aren’t listening, that the neighbors are probably listening to me telling them to listen and stop doing what they are doing, at them continuing their bullshit and I snap. i’m so pissed i’m on the verge of tears and I start hitting the chair to cause myself some pain to distract from the anger, and get their attention at the same time. Then I picture it, the only way out of this would be to take a knife to my wrists.
as I picture it sliding across my skin the anger kinda goes with it, at least the immediate anger. its snaps me into focus. NO! I CANT THINK THAT WAY! I take my hair tie out of my hair wrap it around my wrist and I get to snapping it. HARD! Ollie notices it first and tells Ophion to stop before I end up dead in the hospital. its a relief, a sad relief, but a relief that he knows how serious it has become and they actually stop and separate.
I finally get in the pool and they leave me alone to calm down a bit.
we were out there for close to 3 hours and i’m still a little on edge. Oliver just got home from work and is going to fill me in on the day, hopefully that will finish bringing me down to a normal mental state.
until next time