trying to keep this upbeat

trigger warning- sexual abuse

i’m going to try to keep this as upbeat as possible but as words flow moods change.

i’m a sexual abuse survivor. at least one of my victimizers I didn’t remember as I was too young…maybe 3?. it wasn’t until i had a discussion with a family member did I find out about it. he is incarcerated for another victim who was under the age of 7.

then it was an uncle. it probably happened from the time I was 6 until I was maybe 11 or 12. I didn’t know what was going on and he had convinced me that I was more like his girlfriend and this is what was supposed to happen. we always “played X-Men” it was both of our favorite show back then and I always took my favorite character which made him always take that characters love interest and we would then act out and invent our own storylines which usually always ended with us in his bed.

then it was my fathers girlfriends son, who if he wasn’t hitting me or torturing me or killing frogs by the creek with a hammer, he was finding ways to grope and fondle me. that is until the day my father walked in and caught him. he grabbed him by the throat lifted him off the ground carrying him to the living room, at which time he threw him across the room. till this day I always wondered if it was out of fatherly love or a predator guarding its prey from another predator

because next there was my father….I mean there was a couple boyfriends who also were inappropriate but they don’t still really effect me I don’t think like the rest. my father however effected me the worst. I refuse to relive the details of that one because it is my worst trauma. the reason I am explaining all of this is because yesterday was his birthday. I refrained from going on facebook as much as possible so I didn’t have to see all the happy birthday rest in peace bullshit that people who didn’t truly know him were posting.

I tried to remain upbeat but I had many flashbacks interfering. originally I had planned on staying in bed all day but at the last minute decided I would face the day head on and do everything I could, not to focus on it. Oliveer did everything he could to distract me but even he couldn’t keep all the demons away.

today has been a bit better but the temptation to go on his facebook and tell everyone what I think of their precious sentiments to such a miserable fucking prick child molester. but then I realize my mom raised me better than that and forcing my pain onto others is not the answer. so here I am on what is normally my dark day, and I am rehashing all this because typing it all out is weirdly therapeutic and it is actually keeping me from going dark.

so lets move on and discuss yesterdays festivities. we got the kids to school then decided we wanted hibachi or lunch so we ran around from store to store window shopping then hit the mall to kill the last hour until the restaurant opened.

we had a lovely lunch then went home to take a nap before going to pick the kids up from school. Oliver thought I was manic yesterday and I told him yea just to avoid telling him that I was over compensating emotionally to avoid letting the pain wash over me. It was a pretty good day all things considered. he did a great job being there for me and I appreciate it more than he realizes.

today we just stayed in bed watching tv and cuddling while the kids were at school. after we got them we got ready and went to Carl and Ellies house to hang out with great friends and see the puppies before bowling.

this weekend we actually have a birthday party over there for Carl and Ellies 17 year old daughter. so the kids are off playing on their phone and ipad im going to finish this here and switch over to my “book of shadows” and do some work on it maybe color a bit and just hang out trying not to go dark.

until next time

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