time for a little honesty…

So, I’ve been MIA for a bit whether you have noticed or not. I’ve not been in a place to communicate, much less write. I’ve slacked with family, all social media outlets and here. repairing the issues with family is just a lost cause as i know any improvements I make wont last long. don’t get me wrong I love my family and I would love to still have a relationship with them all i’m just not capable of it. sure I would love to be someone they enjoy the company of or someone that they enjoy engaging with Im just not that person. I am a boring homebody who is more comfortable being home and keeping to herself. like complete isolation seems ideal to me. pexels-photo-1857581

thoughts have been creeping back in about not being around anymore, and its making me think turning myself over to the hospital will be a better option for me at this time than trying to push through I just know with the house being is such horrible shape Oliver would struggle too much with Ophion, Ollie, and Opal so I keep chiseling a smile on my face and acting like everything is ok.

now for another truth I discovered that I didn’t want to come to the realization of. last night I was watching ‘my 600 lb life’ on TLC and as I listened to the girl talk about how food made her feel, I began to quietly cry to myself. as the show went on I found myself crying more and more as I found myself having more and more in common with the woman.  I don’t binge eat all day but I do find myself eating almost constantly, and on days I don’t eat constantly I do binge, I often find myself hiding in the kitchen while “putting everything away”  after a meal and shoving as much as I can in my mouth before Oliver sees. Everytime we order fast food I want to order twice as much as I do but know that Oliver would have something to say about it so I cut myself off at a certain point and just hope that someone doesn’t finish their food so when throwing it away I can say I threw it away but I really ate it.

I never really thought I had a food addiction but I notice more and more that i’m never truly full. It seems I am happiest when food is involved and I can just savor the taste, as soon as it is done my mood drops cuz I don’t have the food anymore. if I wake in the middle of the night I have at least 2 snacks…..EVERYTIME I wake whether it is to go to the bathroom, or let the dog out to go to the bathroom, or just cant get comfortable. I have put on so much weight again that my menstrual cycle is off, and (TMI) it is getting hard to wipe. ive got to be over 250 now and that puts m BMI around 40 and my type 2 diabetes and other health issues from the weight are taking their toll on me in many ways.

I am falling asleep while typing this so I am going to end it here and take a nap….hopefully, then continue later.

until next time

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