holy emotional rollercoaster

The last 48hrs or so have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me, the issue with my grandparents yesterday, then that brought up memories of my sexual abuse, then I was given information pertaining to the blank spaces In my memory. I was told about my “original” abuser, which would bring the number of abusers I know about to 4. now I’m not talking about the ransom unsolicited ass grab from a coworker or a random person on the street making a pass or anything like that, I’m talking full on abuse. apparently it started at the age of three. luckily I don’t remember this part of my life but I remember it beginning around 5 or 6 with another of my abusers. I remember a time as well when my father walked in on some of my abuse at the hand of his girlfriend at the times son. He picked him up by the neck and threw him across the room. which of course now makes me question if it was out of fatherly instinct of protection or abusers need to stake claim on his prey. tonight I filled in some unknown info to my mom about one of the abusers. she only knows about my father and the possibility of the “original”, now she knows of another and isn’t taking it so well. she wishes she knew so she could’ve protected me.

last night I took the hottest shower I have ever had. any hotter and I guarantee I would have had burns on my body. I just felt so gross hearing some of the details while at the same time wishing I knew more. I wasn’t this persons only victim at the time but that is all I will disclose. he is however homeless and registered as a sexual predator due to his conviction on another child. he must have a type because the victim is listed as under 7 years old. poor baby.

ugh so as a recap, anger and hurt about grandparents, flashbacks and memories of abuse, guilty for hurting my mom with info, I haven’t gotten to the happy and excited part of my day but that’s coming next. so you see what I mean about emotional rollercoaster.

now for the happy and excited part of my day. My in laws are on their way from North Carolina!! Tomorrow while Oliver is at work I get to spend the whole day at his aunts house with my in laws!! please don’t take that as sarcasm as I know many people don’t like their in laws….I LOVE MINE!! Besides my own mother, and my husband, my mother in law is my best friend. She is amazing, and her husband is just as great. I’ve had one tift with each of them {in separate issues] in the whole 13 years I have been a part of the family and we quickly worked through it all. they will be up for a whole week though which means more than the usual one day to see them crap.

earlier today I did a tarot spread suggested by a fellow wordpress  blogger tarotmum13 and it was eerily accurate. It’s called unfinished business. I think tonight before bed i’m going to meditate a bit and think of the responses of the reading before bed. maybe light a candle and do  little smoke scrying. I gotta wake early tomorrow to clean up a bit for the in laws visit. so I think ill ed here so I can get started.

Happy Solstice, Merry Yule and Blessed Be!

until next time

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2 thoughts on “holy emotional rollercoaster

  1. What a rough time you are having! I am sorry. I wish you the strength to see your own beauty and the courage to carry on! You have nothing to feel guilty about my dear, but you know that. A big hug for your Inner Child who has suffered so much, look after her! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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