ignore spelling and punctuation I will fix it all later as this was written in the heat of the moment
Ok so this is going to be an emotionally raw kind of post. I am angry. I am hurt, I am pissed off, I am raw, I am fed up. to understand, we need to go back….WAY back.
Im probably 2 years old or so when my parents split up. my dad was a military man….marines. He was discharged when I was little and I dont remember much of that time, fast forward till I am about 5 or 6 maybe younger… and I remember my dad was allowed to get me every other weekend….for a month or two he would then he would disappear for months at a time. then he would reappear and I would go with him every other weekend, then again he would disappear. now normally we would go to my grandparents house on sunday and spend the day there before my dad brought me home. I always looked forward to it it was one of the only times I had kids to play with when I was at my dads. my cousins were usually over or if not I had my uncle to play with as he was only a few years older than I am. a few years later I even went to Florida with him for a summer!!!!
now we flash forward a couple years and I think it had been a year or so that I had even heard from my father my mom was angry about it I was sad I didn’t understand his pattern back then. I was a fully committed daddys girl and in my eyes that man could do absolutely no wrong. imagine a tattooed cross between the wrestler stone cold steve Austin and pop-eye, with the martial arts abilities of some of the best. who rode a motorcycle, was an artist and tattoo artist who was stern as anything but melted like a puddle with one look from his “only” daughter in a family full of boys. (not including my awesome sauce step sister who I claim as full blood)
I found him a few times. once when I hadn’t seen him in months i found him and he had a tattoo parlor BEHIND MY HOUSE literally….
another time I found him by snooping through my mothers desk. I found my grandparents phone number in an address book she had and I called them. they then gave me the phone number to reach him. I spoke to him and we set up under cover phone calls so my mom wouldn’t find out. we did this for a while then some how we started our weekends again. flash forward to 7th grade. my mom is fed up with me not getting the grades I should be getting never getting my homework done so she ships me to him for the summer. I love it im with my siblings and my daddy (its very difficult to type that word just for the record) I have an awesome summer then go home only to be told im going to be living with my dad for the next school year to see if he can get me on track. I go back but my step mom and siblings are gone. I still don’t know that story.
that is the extent of the story as it pertains to todays anger. allow me to explain.
I was molested by my father when I lived with him. he took advantage of the fact that I liked to party and used that as his in. ANYWAY years after I fled his house I tried to contact my grandparents because I wanted to maintain a relationship with them even though their son was the devil incarnate. when I called they asked where I had been that they missed me and wanted to know what happened. I told my grandfather who politely listened before rushing off the phone, as he isn’t a very talkative type. this was the very last time I heard their voices. back in may I believe my cousin informed me that he was diagnosed as having both lung and brain cancer and was undergoing treatment. that was the last I was informed of. I spoke to my uncle almost daily in October last year when my father was in the hospital on his death bed, after he died I spoke to him once or twice, then nothing since then. today I accidently happened to see that my grandma was in the hospital IN NOVEMBER and never heard a word about it.
the more I thought about everything the more I got pissed off. I don’t deserve to be ostracized. whether its that they don’t believe what my father did to me, or they don’t know what to say to me as a victim, or they just really dont give a fuck about me. I honestly believe it to be the latter. I told my cousin after she gave me an update today that I am fed up and I really and truly am. it hurts too much and I am not stable enough to question why my own family doesn’t want me in their life ok this is getting me emotional even more I think this is a good place to end this.
until next time.