Alrighty-roo! So last night I left off at the bowling alley…I was going dark so I wanted to try to be social. WHOOPS!! BIG MISTAKE!
So Oliver was subbing on one of his best friends teams again (same team he subs for every Monday when he subs) [sub means he is substituting for the regular bowler]. But anyway, on this 5 man team is one of Oliver’s best friends, which is the only reason he accepts bowling on this team. For anonymity let’s label everyone bowler 1, bowler 2, bowler 3, bowler 4, and bowler 5. Now on this team Oliver is familiar with all the guys. Bowlers 1, 2, 3 and 5 are all in the league Oliver bowls on Thursday nights and has known them for years. Bowler 2 is one of his best friends, and bowler 5 is who Oliver is subbing for. The reason he isn’t a fan of bowling for this team is bowler 4….he finds him annoying and the fact that he is one of my exes doesnt help.
So bowler 2 like I said is good friends with Oliver, we all hang out at bowling, outside of bowling, we golf together, go to each others houses etc. We have a great friendship, our family and his. Now he knows I have struggles but I dont think he knows the extent of them. Last night he got a glimpse. He accidentally took part in forcing an anxiety attack. He had noticed one night how easily I startle due to my anxiety and PTSD. So he has taken is upon himself to try to startle me as often as he can. All the other times I sort of laughed it off. It was affecting me but i figured i could handle it it’s not too bad. Well last night, that changed. Once everyone saw the reaction he got out of me everytime he’d sneak up behind me and poke me, others started doing it. Now I’m trying to be polite and laugh it off but for someone with anxiety and PTSD you can only push so far. It got so bad that it was almost a constant barrage of pokes and jumps and screeches. I couldnt relax or settle or let my guard down, so It led to a full on anxiety/panic attack. Oliver must’ve seen the transition and told them to stop because everyone stopped poking me, but it was too late.
First my mind shut down completely. I crawled into my head and tried to escape. Apparently that makes me look like a zombie or something because it kept freaking Oliver out and it caused him to appear as of out of thin air trying to snap me out of it saying I was zoning out. Then the shaking started and the rocking and the tears….all in public. He tells me to try going on my ipad or phone to focus on anything else to ground me but it doesnt work I’m too far gone. Then Bowler 2 starts asking what it’s like for me, cuz he sees what I’m dealing with and his wife has a form as well and he is curious how it is for me. I try to explain but I fail to do so and excuse myself to the bathroom where I break down completely.
Here I am in a public bathroom slumped on the floor sobbing hysterically and shaking like a leaf trying to calm myself to somewhat normal. It takes quite a while but I pull myself together get back out there and I’m silent…. a few more minutes pass and Oliver stays by my side because he knows hes one of the only things that will help when I’m this bad. I apologize to him repeatedly because I know he doesnt need to deal with this. I tell him Hes “trying to win and bowl and have fun with friends. The last thing he needs is me and all the crazy I bring, bringing him down. Hes bowls to get away from my craziness and enjoy life”. He assures me “hes fine and it’s ok. Hes right where he needs to be”. (sometimes he gets on my last nerve but its times like this that make me realize I am glad I chose him.) The anxiety attack passes just in time for them to finish, we get to the car and I take a deep breath, and another, and another. Just sinking into the solitude and safety that being alone in the car is bringing. Away from the crowd and the noise and the bright lights and the nasty mix of fried foods and stale beer.
Now the after affects begin, my chest is crushing me. It feels like an elephant is sitting right on it. It hurts so bad from it all that it’s hard to breathe. I’m rubbing and rubbing trying to tell my body it’s ok. We grab mcdonalds because its after 10pm and we didnt eat before bowling like we normally do. The chest pain is starting to subside, We get home, eat, and go to bed. I wake up this morning and me teeth and jaw are killing me, I still must’ve been anxious and clenching my teeth in my sleep cuz damn do they hurt.
I was hoping to sleep in a bit today but that was disturbed by my Mother in Law calling to wish Ophion a happy birthday….at 6:30 in the morning!! I groggily answer then it hits me, its 630 in the morning, something is wrong, someone is hurt or she is freaking out about something so my mind is snapping to attention… Shes chipper and screaming happily into the phone “is he awake yet?!?!” I say “what” she repeats just as chipper, like a mix of mister Rogers and Dora the explorer, or some other mix of annoyingly chipper morning people, “is he awake yet?!? Ophion?!?”
“Oh I was hoping to say happy birthday before I went into work, oh well I’ll call him later.”
“Ok bye”……. psycho….who calls that early?!? Haha I love that women to death but jiminy fricken cricket!!
Lets slip past the morning, just a little grocery shopping and crap.
We pick the kids up from school early, took Ophion out for his birthday…he wants to go to the store to pick out a few things for his birthday. He grabs a few things puts a few things back gives it all a lot of thought….in the end he got 1 toy, 1 candy, and 1 book. He had $100 to spend, all these things cost like $23 so the rest of that money will get put into his secret treasure chest where he usually saves 80%+ of the money he gets. Then he wanted to go to CiCis for lunch…then we came home…lounged around…they did homework, we had cake, the kids played pool for a bit, then it was bed time. Ophion had a successful 12th birthday so I mark this day a success.
Everyone is snoring away and I’m writing this while I wait for the laundry to finish. So I’ll end this here and look forward to tomorrow.
Until next time