Wishful thinking

Ok so it’s been a few days since I have given an actual update on everything because not much has really been going on. So I think one of the last things I posted about was Arial’s* grandma being in the hospital and how excited I was that we were connecting again. Well it was def. short lived. I reached out to her numerous times to see how her grandma was doing and the answers were all pretty short. On Saturday she didn’t make it up to the hospital because she was hungover from Friday night. So we chatted a few minutes then that was it. I asked again Sunday how she was feeling and her grandma, no response. I tried again this morning just asking about her grandma and got a response this afternoon that she is almost back to her normal self and that was the extent of the conversation. So I think it is safe to say that it was wishful thinking that we could start rebuilding the friendship we once had.

Opal has been acting weird…not like she is in pain or Sick or anything but just not herself. I’m gonna keep an eye on her but I may have to take her in if she continues.

IM still eating everything in sight. I’m hoping this phase of the recovery ends soon so I can start getting my weight back down and get my health in order. I see the psych the end of this month and I’m hoping to have it somewhat sorted by then so when I start all my meds again I don’t have to worry about being forced to stop again for other health Reasons.

i was able to get my insurance stuff all sorted out, next is the disability stuff. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I’m gonna have to contact my caseworker at my mental healthcare facility to help get all that started. They also want me to get this packet filled out, I don’t remember what it is called, but it’s basically a living will or something. Because this last round of depression was so low and the suicide concerns were so high, they want me to put this paperwork in place just in case I have to get admitted against my wishes on a psych hold. That way everyone knows what is expected of them and what responsibilities they have while I’m away. I think it shocked the case worker when I said I don’t have anyone really. My husband would be responsible for everything. I Have no family in the area, and I have very limited, like count on one hand limited, associates that I’m not even close enough to that id want to give any responsibilities or whatever too. I guess Ill have to contact my caseworker soon to figure out if they will send me the packet or if I pick it up at my next appointment or whatever.

Today was pretty constant on the mood front. We were all very tired when we woke up so the boys were cranky and not wanting to shower before going to school but I got them each so finally snap out of it and get their asses in gear. We got them both off to school and Oliver went golfing while I started doing the few things around the house. I got a few loads of dishes done a couple loads of laundry, I started the new “Sabrina” series on Netflix…..so far it’s eehh. i wanted to watch it now before they pull it since they are being sued.

I’m sitting at the bowling alley, again. I’m typing away while everyone moves around. I’m not feeling too down today which is a plus. I am however tarting to dwell a bit on the whole ordeal with Arial* like I know it’s her decision not to associate with me but I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I lose all my friends. I literally have like no left. I know I am the worst at keeping in contact I don’t even keep in contact with my own family half the time, but a MAJOR part of that is mental. I always have it in my head that I’m not worth it. That no one wants to be bothered by me…they are better without me in their lives bringing the negative energy around all the time. I can even picture them rolling their eyes or sighing in they did see my name on the caller id. Feel like such a burden to everyone that I don’t want to even try, that way they aren’t forced to pretend. Ok I’m turning dark fast, I’m gonna try to force myself to be social at the bowling alley andsnap out of it before I consumes me….sorry I gotta cut this short!

Until next time.

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