So many emotions

Ugh the last couple days have been such roller coasters emotionally. I’m blanking out on blocks of time, but i will try my best.

Let’s flash back to wednesday… I remember I had therapy with my new therapist who I adored but that’s it. I remember the appointment and what we talked about and how up and down it all was but that’s all. I had to ask Oliver what we did wednesday and he reminded me that after my appointment we went to meet a friend at a bowling alley (a 45 minute drive away) then we went to lunch, then we went to walmart, then we went home for a while before heading to yet another bowling alley while Oliver had his bowling equipment worked on in the pro-shop. I mean this day literally started at 8am (for therapy) and ended around 9 (proshop) Like that’s a lot of things to forget and time lost. Like I had no memory of it at all and as soon as he reminds me I’m like oh yea…I have glimpses of it all but still pretty lost.

Go forward a bit for Thursday…. now to understand this we need to go back a ways….like double digit YEARS. When I first moved to New Jersey it was December of 2004. At my first job in Jersey I made fast friends with a girl, let’s call her Arial*. She is a little younger than I am but we were completely inseparable! Morning noon and night we were together if I wasnt sleeping at her house she was sleeping at mine. She hung out at my job A LOT. We were immediately sisters. Each of our families adopting the other as their own. We had fall outs over the years but we always were there when it mattered no matter where our friendship stood.

This last year or two (cant say for certain because I cant keep track of time)  our dynamic changed. I found she was willing to go out of state to visit other friends but not a town or two over to visit me or her “”””nephews”””. Out of the blue she decided without notice I wasnt worth being friends with. This killed me….down right tore me to pieces and I was wrecked over it. Oliver didnt understand why. If she wanted to walk away that was on her and I shouldnt feel bad. I put on this mask and acted like it didnt bother me, wanting to contact her every day and reclaim the relationship we had and tell her she cant abandon me, she was stuck with me for life. But I didnt. I let her go. I was hurt and I didnt wanna show how desperate I was for her to remain a part of my life. I’d never had a connection with a friend like her and I felt so utterly betrayed that she could just walk away from us like I was nothing. So I acted like oh well, who cares, fuck it, I’m fine. There was no further communication really….no explaining why I wasnt good enough. Then I got a message…. she found out she has cancer. Non-hodgkins lymphoma.

I told her how sorry I was for her and offered to be there for her if she ever needed anything. I messaged her mom and told her the same. I cried hysterically for days. I cried for her, I cried for her family, I cried for me and my kids, I cried out randomly if I saw something that reminded me of her. But I didnt really reach out much besides that. I know that probably makes me sound like the worst person in the planet and I swear I thought I had good logic behind it. I felt like she didnt want me in her life anymore and that my presence now would seem like I was only there cuz she was sick. I didnt want her or anyone to think my wanting to be there for her was for any reason other than the love I still and always will have for her. The attention needed to be focused on her health and she needed people who she felt were completely there for her. Granted I should’ve fought to be apart of her life so she knew without a doubt I would not abandon her when she needed warriors there by her side….but I didnt.

I will regret that for the rest of my life. However, I constantly checked on her the best way I could….undercover on social media…saw the prognosis was good for her, and kept up on as much of her life as she shared publically….now brings us to Thursday… she sent me a message on Facebook that they were rushing to the ER as they had found her grandma unresponsive at home.  I immediately expressed again that I’m sorry, and I was here for anything they needed, and messaged her mom to let her know the same. I made my intentions of support clear and left the ball in her court. Imagine my surprise when she actually gave me an update later in the night while we were at the bowling alley.

Imagine my relief when she sent me an image of grandma with her eyes open…then the immediate fear when I saw how frail and thin she had become in the years since I last saw her. Arial* described her as having the lights on but no one was home. So while she keeps being present, shes not mentally aware.

All we can do is hope she has that feisty spirit she is known for fighting this battle for her internally. There is so much life she still has and so many milestones in her family’s life that she is desperately needed for and they want her to be apart of and experience with them.

Before I knew it we fell into conversation like we hadn’t fallen out of touch, sharing a few things we’d missed out on and giving life updates. While it still felt guarded, it felt familiar. Like we were teenagers again, watching Degrassi at 3 am, eating taquitos and pb&j uncrustables falling asleep to one of 3 very specific movies.

This morning I was still riding the high of having my best friend back that as soon as I woke up I immediately messaged her. I had so many emotions in my head at once i was completely overwhelmed and nearly passed out trying to settle my mind and sort my thoughts and feelings.

I was trying to check on grandma, while confirming that I wasnt dreaming our connection last night, while being desperate to see if we could continue to pick up where we left off or if it was just a fluke….several hours later (which is now while I write this) she has messaged me a video of grandma giving her a high five.  Oh the bliss that crossed my mind before drifting back to the very real reality that we arent out of the woods. I am no better informed than I was last night but I am going to try to keep my thoughts and vibes positive and hope for the best.

Ok this is longer than I expected it to be so I am gonna end here and fill in the rest later tonight or tomorrow.

Until next time

2 thoughts on “So many emotions

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