Today I am supposed to be catching up on all the cleaning I have neglected since this recent bout of depression came to town, but I just cannot for the life of me talk myself into it. I see the mess all around me, attempting to overtake my whole house, but still I lack the ability to begin the process. There are dishes with the remains of meals on them piled up in the kitchen and in the dining room. Soda cans and plastic bottles line the dining room table and every available counter space. Laundry is piled up in enormous heaps strategically around the whole house creating an amazing Mario cart type race course.
The boys room is completely blocked off, and has been for weeks, by Oliver’s and my old mattresses and box spring, but were you able to enter their room it too you would find is full of clothes….strewn across the floor and piled high on the beds from the last time we had the potential of someone coming over (which oddly enough was the delivery men for the new bed we purchased, thanks to a very large donation by my mommy, who may I add had to take a loan out to help make that a reality!) and I needed a quick fix for the laundry laying around. I kinda reverted to my old childhood ways of throwing everything in my closet or under my bed. It’s like I see all that needs to be done and it is so intimidating that I just can’t face it so I look for ways out of it.
I instead have turned to eating….haven’t done this in a while. I recently had started controlling my snacking and getting my weight to slowly start coming down. My diabetes was being controlled strictly by my diet and not with any of the medicine and in turn my liver should’ve been improving, even though one of the meds was actually supposed to be beneficial to my liver, I try to avoid taking meds that my body can function without. Now, who knows what havoc this recent return to binge eating has caused. I mean I guess I will find out Tuesday when I see the dr. tending to my liver.
Have you caught on to the purpose of this entry? I mean it is right there in the title… Yup using it as a way to put off cleaning. Even though I keep looking at the clock and seeing the minutes and hours tick by and I know we are getting closer to when Oliver will be getting off work and I will have to see the disappointment in his eyes that he is once again walking into a dirty house, kept that way by his incapable wife. He will either say “it’s ok babe I know you are struggling lately, there’s always tomorrow” or he will say “really?!? I Only asked you to get two things done today, and you didn’t do either one!!” Let’s hope for the first one.
Speaking of the first one, I kno you have probably picked up on this immediately in the first post I made, but I will address it here just so you know to always expect it. I do not care for punctuation and such. I don’t care about proper sentence structure or paragraph forms, or anything that the grammar police like to point out. My brain is so scattered I can’t be bothered with all the details. My hope is to just get the thoughts down on a basic level, trolls be damned.
So I am looking at the clock and trying to work out the math, it is almost 1:30 now, Oliver works until 5, I have 17 minutes left on this episode of “The Originals” ….if I finish this post and the episode roughly around the same time, then I can procrastinate some more with a quick nap for an hour or so before attempting to start cleaning. If I can at least get the dining room and some dishes one we can have dinner together tonight at the table, and I will have appeased Oliver just enough to not have him upset with me. Hmm….I’m thinking that sounds like a decent plan so I will end here.
until next time