This week has been a tough one. We are having small financial issues due to my inability to follow through on deadlines, and we are feeling that stress as a family unit right now. On top of that, my psych terminated me as a patient due to the inability to make it to any appointments in a few months due to other health issues. So I have to reapply and do the whole intake process all over, see the therapist (my appt. Is set for November 7th), then get a future appointment with the psych. All while being off my meds and basically forced to be unstable until then.
Next I have to attempt the disability process all over, but everytime I start it I never follow through and I feel my disabilities aren’t as severe as the next persons…. or what if my receiving the money prevents someone who may be even worse off than I am, from receiving the benefits? I mean I know I am unable to work and function in certain social settings, but I am able to walk and talk and hear and see and I have all my limbs and in many ways my mind functions on a tolerable level, but do I deserve to possibly keep benefits from someone else?
Aside from the other stresses, I think I’ve come to understand where some of this most recent bout of depression is coming from. Usually it happens and I have no clue why and I just chalk it up to a cycle of my BP2, but this time I’m thinking it has to do with the 1st anniversary of my abusers death. I hadn’t even realize we had come upon it but I guess subconsciously I knew. It wasn’t until I read a post and then the comments that I realized a few things. The post wasnt so much a slap in my face as the comments were…. now allow me to give some info without giving detail. I was sexually abused as a teen by my father and it wasnt until treatment started many many MANY years later (my late 20’s) that I realized he had often been Inappropriate in so many ways for so many years. Anyways, the comments I’m referring to come from my brother on a Facebook post written by his mother about our father, my abuser..
I understand that is his father, whom had probably been absent from his life more than he was ever present, I get that, I truly do, but after knowing what he did to me, how can he still hold him so high up on that pedestal?! I love my brother too much to ever question his feelings because who am I to tarnish the thoughts he has, but it hurts me to see such adoration for the man I knew our father to be.
On a somewhat better note, Since he died I realize I’m having slightly less flashbacks! Dont get me wrong, it is still happening at least bi-weekly, but the constant panic attacks and such when I’d see someone covered in tattoos, or the sound of a motorcycle, or someone wearing flannel, Jean’s, and cowboy boots or any of the many triggers he has caused, have subsided greatly.
This bout of depression has reached its peak and I’m coasting down the other side thanks to the help of my mommy, sister, husband, and cousin checking on me almost completely in sync as if they had it planned that way all along….. hhmmmm…
Ok I think I’ve rambled long enough….time for bed!
Until next time!